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With Gifts Like These....

An Autism Lament 16 Years Later

WeepThis dark poem appeared on Age of Autism in 2008.  Here we are, 16 years later, half way through Autism month, and the author has even more worry than she did so many years ago. As do we all.  April is Autism Agony Month for many.  Oh, and your taxes are due.

Autism Twins

My son was kidnapped at shotpoint.
A twin left in his place.
A weaker body.
A shadow self.

He is a sweet, sadder child,
who tantrums and screams and rolls on the ground.
Who is scared. In pain.
Mourning who he used to be.
I can see this in his eyes.

He misses having a body that works.
And he misses his laser-fast brain
And chuckling at his own jokes.

He used to work the  room
A little politician
Grinning at everyone he saw.
Playing tug of war with the dogs
Experimenting with the piano
Piano and dogs now, he leaves,
utterly alone.

And when I spend too much
Love and dollars and time
to free him,
Am I forgetting
The one who is left
Who is still here
Who needs to just be
A child

He needs me
to stop mourning,
He needs me to celebrate him
and I do, I do celebrate him.
If this is all he can ever be, it's enough, and I love him forever, still.
But  how can I stop mourning, and how can I stop trying to rescue him,
When his struggles remind me of his missing self.
He is his own shadow.

Is his twin disappeared, forever?
Or is he still there?
Locked in a neuron forest in his own brain.

If he is gone forever, unsaveable, dead,
How do I know for sure?
If he is gone forever,
I need to move on.
I need to let go.
I need to embrace what IS.

But when I embrace what is,
And accept that this may be all he can be,
And let him roll aimlessly on the sand
And cancel therapy for today
putting the flashlight down for a while
who else will carry on the search?

He does something startling.
He's back for a moment.
A glimpse!--is that his twin,  over there, hiding behind that last tree in the grove?
the tree I was too tired to walk to a moment ago?
Will we find him again
in the therapy I didn't try?
the supplement I forgot to give?
the new idea even I scoffed at?
what if we give up one moment too soon
the moment right before
we were about to find him?



Thank you for sharing this.

Angus Files

As years went bye we all on here wondered at what number would it be unprofitable for all the disabled kids to saturate the schools?It still seems, we havent reached the tipping point yet..As one of our past members Bob,kept saying..and the band plays on..


Scottish ministers spent almost £1bn last year on ASN pupils as 'classroom crisis' spirals out of control
Scottish Government data shows 37% of pupils have additional support needs (ASN) and critics claim the upward trend puts Scotland on course to have 50% of school-aged children defined as needing extra help by 2030.

Pharma For Prison

Andrew Foss

Such a beautiful and moving poem. Shared


This is a beautiful and heart wrenching poem about how we all feel the same sadness, grief, anxiety, fear, depression, and yet, still hope the miracle to get our children/adults back from the tragedy of the AUTISM diagnosis. I pray every day for us all to finally see the day when someone in the medical field will finally find the miracle cure and recovery for our tragically affected and very loved children and adults. God Bless them all.


I totally feel this …

Laura Hayes

Thank you for sharing this haunting poem. That first stanza…wow…yep.

With every vaccine, more potential, more what could have been, more what should have been…destroyed…lost…gone.

The Vaccine Holocaust must be stopped. Vaccines eliminated, immediately, forever. The adults in this world must stop spreading, and mindlessly believing, the egregious lie that vaccines are needed. There is not one ingredient in a vaccine that the human body needs for survival or health. Think about that today.

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