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Autism Pipedream

PipesNOTE: Thanks to our loyal commenter and now contributor Linda1 for this unique take on the autism epidemic.

By Linda1

Once upon a time in America, houses did not have indoor plumbing. Later, when plumbing was installed into homes, early pipes were not reliable and often would leak and need replacing. As the manufacturing process improved, so did pipe reliability and leaking was no longer a big problem. Americans were dry and enjoyed a good clean water supply for several decades.

Then one day, a plumber got the idea that if he could put a few microscopic holes in pipes, that those holes would prevent bigger holes from forming and would not only make those pipes last longer, but would also protect homes from flooding. He said it would work because of physics, which he explained was too complicated for the non plumber to understand. Some people remembered the leaking of the older type pipes and thought it was a good idea to have this protection from leaks and flooding. Now, there weren't really too many plumbers in those days. But that was about to change.

The American Academy of Plumbers (AAP) grabbed ahold of this idea and met with government officials. The officials were impressed and saw an opportunity to form lucrative partnerships. They didn't understand the physics, but they accepted the plumbers' explanation because they were the experts. Some master plumbers (MPs) were assigned to high level positions in the American government so that they could oversee this new partnership and make sure that homes across America and even the world would be protected from flooding by this new technological advancement. Called the Centers for Disaster Control and Prevention (CDC for short), these top experts advised government and world leaders about the best way to prevent and treat pipe problems. The CDC had a lot of power and dictated to all the plumbers in the land how to do their job. The AAP went along with whatever decision the CDC made. A special committee made up of plumbing industry insiders was formed. The Advisory Committee on Interventional Pipeholing (ACIP) was tasked with ongoing evaluation and recommendations for the new Pipeholing Program.

It wasn't long before the government and the AAP went into production to manufacture all the necessary special drills and drill bits that would be needed to drill microscopic flood preventative holes in every pipe in every home across America. The equipment was expensive to produce, especially since the special drill bits had to be discarded after only one use. But these partners calculated that the money saved by preventing floods would be far greater than the millions spent on the Program. It was a good investment, they thought. They also knew that they would be able to sell the pipeholing treatments to Americans and planned to export the special drills and bits to all other countries. To guarantee the success of their scheme, they declared that untreated homes would devastate the country's economy, that pipeholing was a matter of national security, and that no pipehole preventable floods should be tolerated in a scientifically and ethically advanced society. They passed laws to make the service mandatory. No one could refuse.

At first, the plumbing treatment seemed to work. With one treatment, most people didn't notice anything wrong, at least not for a while (the holes were microscopic and the pipes were behind walls). But some people noticed that their pipes leaked right away. These people reported leaking to their plumbers and the plumbers almost never admitted that the treatment caused the leaking. They would say that the pipes leaked after treatment because the house was defective, that the pipes would have leaked anyway and that temporal association with pipeholing treatments was coincidental. Many people were ignored when they complained to the AAP and the CDC. The experts insisted that the pipeholing program was backed by solid indisputable science.

Hearing about all the leaking that was now occurring, the AAP, CDC and ACIP got together and declared that one treatment was not enough. They issued a proclamation stating that the occurrence of leaky pipes required more frequent drilling. They added more treatments to the plumbers' pipeholing schedule - every 2 to 3 months holes were to be drilled in all the pipes in homes across America. Now, friends, you can just imagine what happened next.

Houses started to really smell damp. Mold started to grow. Not all at the same rate. It depended on the size of the house, the location of the pipes and what kind of pipes people started out with (some types tolerated the drilling better than others), the climate that the home was located in, the skill of the plumber in using the special drill, and also, importantly, the more treatments a person's plumbing had, the more there seemed to be a swampy, damp, feel to the home. Some of the bits might have been defective and made bigger holes than others, too. It's a mystery because a proper investigation was never done. People called their plumbers to come fix this new problem that people never experienced before, at least not on this scale, at this rate, in America. That's when things got really bizarre.

People found that all of a sudden many plumbers didn't even recognize water when they saw it. It was as if they were blind to water! A plumber could be standing in a foot of water in your living room and not realize that his feet were wet, and he would get annoyed if you pointed it out. He was there to do a treatment, he'd say, and insist that there is nothing wrong with your house. Other plumbers would acknowledge the water, and without looking anywhere in the house, not even at one pipe, would say that it is impossible to know exactly where the water is coming from. They would swear up and down that the water had nothing to do with their treatments. They would tinker around, fix nothing, and hand you with a big bill for their services. So, people were on their own to remediate increasingly moldy houses, an expensive proposition. Because treatments were mandated by law, they were forced to get the next pipeholing treatment - and the next and the next and the next. Because the leaks were not fixed and were made worse, people could not get rid of the mold. That meant that people across America were not only weakened, but that they were forced to pay a lot of money to plumbers and mold experts.

Meanwhile, the plumbing industry grew along with other industries that found an opportunity in this new market the plumbers and government created. There was grumbling among the masses. Some people suspected that the plumbing treatments were causing the leaking and the mold while others had blind faith in their government and plumber and didn't see a connection.

Some of the affected adapted to the wetness by deciding that it had always been this way, that some people were just always wet, but either it wasn't noticed or it was called something else. The "adjusters" declared that wetness was a gift, that their skin would be painfully dry if not for the wetness, that dryness would stop them from living full lives, and that having chronically macerated skin increased their sensitivity which led to higher intelligence and creativity which they didn't want to lose. The adjusters took offense that anyone would suggest that they have their pipes fixed to stop the wetness. They were evidence of the remarkable adaptability of the human spirit (which often requires a good dose of denial). They insisted that their condition was a wonderful variation of normal. They joined in public discussions and organized to fight against change. They were not concerned about those who were suffering from the wetness. The government loved the adjusters because they liked the Pipeholing Program. Members of the adjusters' organization were chosen to be citizen representatives on government committees formed to address any pipeholing concerns.

Then a new problem was discovered. Drinking water was found to be contaminated and sewage was leaking out around the sewer pipes. Plumbing experts continued to insist that the physics was settled, that the pipes were improved by the treatments and that if there was a problem, that more treatments were the answer.

With government backing the plumbers and spreading daily propaganda that the pipe treatment program was vitally important and safe, the people became divided. People who thought the program was damaging their pipes were pitted against the people who believed that without the pipe program, the country would be in ruins. Those who were suspicious of the program started to demand an explanation of the physics that experts claimed was behind the program.

After many years, plumbing experts did finally concede that there were rare cases of leakage caused by the program, but said it was "only" 1 in a million pipes and that that amount of collateral damage was worth saving so many homes in the war against plumbing pipe failure that could so easily lead to flooding and devastate the country.

People whose lives were devastated by the treatment itself started suing the plumbing association and the association in return went to its partner (in crime), the government, and asked to be relieved of all liability for any harm that comes out of the Program. The government agreed, and levied a 75 cent tax on the sale of every treatment from that day forward. The tax money went into a special fund to pay victims of pipe treatment damage. A special Pipeholing Court was established to replace a normal court of law, with special rules applying to the new court designed to rob the injured of justice. While more than 3 billion dollars was paid out, many thousands of people were turned away and the fund continued to rake in billions for the government.

A growing movement of resisters signed petitions, called the government, made movies and formed organizations. Many master plumbers started to realize the harm they were doing. While most master plumbers were too afraid to speak up and many others liked the money they were making and didn't want to rock the boat, scores came forward to testify that even they thought that pipeholing was causing terrible problems. These MPs were labeled trouble makers and anti-science and were made out to be enemies of the people. Tragically, some of the finest expert master plumbers had their plumbing licenses taken away because their truth telling threatened the profitability of the program.

At one point, because resisters were secretly skipping or resisting treatments, in an attempt to make sure that no pipe would go without at least one treatment, the government mandated for the first time that all new pipes would have to be drilled in the factory, so that from that day forward, no new pipes could even be purchased that were not pipeholed.

A very evil man named Aul Profit, MP, was a pipeholing insider who actually was responsible for developing the special drill. He ridiculed and attacked the public that was hesitant to have their pipes treated. He said there was absolute proof that the program did not damage pipes and that in fact, pipeholing made pipes stronger. But, of course, there was no such proof. Profit wrote books (well, his name was on them) and articles and gave lectures all about how terrible pipe treatment dissent was and how resistant people were a threat to society. He said that journalists who report pipeholing horror stories should be thrown in jail. He had the gall to claim that Jesus Himself would vigorously defend pipeholing. He and his cronies aimed to make pipeholing dissent illegal and punishable by fines and imprisonment. Profit even once said that a pipe as small as 20 inches long could have 10,000 holes drilled in it all in one day and not only would it not leak, but it would be a stronger, better pipe!

As demand for plumbing services grew, the plumbing industry exploded and became a central part of American life and economy. Huge plumbing services buildings were erected in every town. Everyone had a personal relationship with and was dependent on their plumber and the cost of plumbing services skyrocketed so much so that many people went bankrupt trying to pay their plumber.

In order to remedy the situation, then President O-no-a came up with a plan. He worked hard to make sure that all could afford the extensive plumbing services that were now a sad part of modern life. He came up with the Affordable Plumbing Act, which was signed into law. The law had some good parts, but the bad part was that while people would have access to plumbing, plumbing was still very expensive and some people were rightfully worried that with the Act, there would never be a way out of submitting to pipeholing and all the problems and plumbing bills that came with it. Many people hoped for a day when pipeholing would end.

The elders remembered when pipes didn't leak like they did with preventative pipeholing. They remembered when an occasional leak, even a flood, would be dealt with and then be over. That's not saying that the flooding in the old days wasn't sometimes bad. Sometimes it was. There were times when people even got killed. But modern leaking and flooding had become an expensive, chronic problem. The people were always wet and sick from mold, bad water and raw sewage from leaky pipes. They grew tired and weary.

The young were taught in school that pipeholing is safe and necessary, that wetness is normal and that living in wet, damp, moldy, sewage filled homes with bad water was just a fact of life, that this is the way it always was. Even though they were always sick from the sometimes knee high water and sewage, many of the young accepted the official explanation. They were loyal to their government and to the by now huge and very powerful plumbing system that they had grown up with. They thought (as they had been taught) that anti-pipeholers were a danger to society. They had no idea that society was in danger from the pipeholing itself.

The young wrote books celebrating the cooked up history of wetness to wide propagandized acclaim. Many people recognized the content of these books as nothing but mawkish newby poppycock.

Politicians and media personalities took stands on the issue:

Truth Barker Rump, successful business man and presidential candidate, wasn't afraid to say that pipeholing was likely the cause of leaking, that he had seen friends whose pipes were drilled and soon after their house was a mess and no one believed them.

Ken Barfson, another candidate who was himself a highly specialized and gifted MP, admitted in a televised debate before millions of Americans that many other MPs knew that too many pipe treatments were causing problems, but backed down after the backlash, as did candidate...

Pander Raul, another MP, who spoke out momentarily about the hazards of pipe holing and how people should have a choice, but then was seen the next day in a publicity stunt having one of his own pipes treated.

Bullary Hinton, who ridiculed anti-pipeholers, attempted to reassure a wary public and safeguard her backer's businesses by proclaiming, "The science is clear. The earth is round, the sky is blue, and pipeholing works. Grandmothers know best."

Panderson Stooper was a reporter who would stoop to whatever low his bosses required in suppressing the truth and attacking the truth tellers when he interviewed them, as did...

Sanjay Chutzpa, a nervy MP on the media payroll who would from time to time when interviewing pipeholing victims acknowledge the connection, but then would on cue for the camera deny it.

Zany Malvarez was another media paid MP, who himself had a significant life altering wetness problem, but could not, at least publicly, seem to connect the dots between pipeholing and his condition, declaring whenever called to do so by his media bosses, that there is no connection between pipeholing, wetness and mold, etc.

Gill Baits, diabolical billionaire international pipeholing proponent and investor, used his money and power to track pipeholing dissenters and to force the use of pipeholing around the globe. Baits cast wide nets of lies, in order to trap more people and countries into submitting to pipeholing technology. In his sales pitch, he only talked about the supposed benefits, he would not mention and when confronted would deny, the wetness and destruction.

Bernie Blinders, another presidential candidate, who could see all of society's ills but somehow couldn't make the connection between pipeholing and the pervasive wetness plaguing Americans, believed with religious fervor that pipeholing was crucial for the common good.

So, my friends, how does this story end?

How about this:

MPs across the country lost their water blindness and started to realize that they were doing great harm. They rose up and refused to participate in any more pipeholing. MPs instead focused on restoring dryness through real repairs. People started refusing pipeholing treatments en masse. Pipe factories rose up and refused to drill holes in new pipes. Lawyers and prosecuters refused to litigate pipeholing refusal cases. Judges refused to prosecute the MPs for disobeying the corrupt pipeholing laws. Through the next election, the entire American government was replaced by honest people and the pipeholing laws were not only overturned, but pipeholing was banned forevermore.

Mold started to subside. Raw sewage no longer leaked into homes. Plumbers started to remember and practice the skills of their profession. All the money from the Pipeholing Injury Fund plus all the money that had formerly been channeled to pipeholing research and development was devoted to healing those who had been sickened by the pipeholing program.

And --- the crooks ---- all of them, especially Profit and his CDC cronies and the media liars, were all sent to a wet, sewage filled prison where all the pipes they designed were sent to be used. The walls of the prison were covered with special wet proof wallpaper that was covered with the photos of the people who were harmed by the pipeholing program. The criminals lived in that prison with their victims staring at them day and night, for the rest of their natural lives.

                                                                THE END

Moral of the Story: Expert approval of products coming out of the developmental pipeline is no guarantee that the products are not pipedreams.

This story is dedicated to the infamous Senator Richard Pan of California (author of the draconian SB277 law that goes into effect in July 2016), who, lying through his teeth, taught a group of public health students that the most dangerous ingredient in vaccines is water.



Thanks all, for your great comments :o). I LOVED your brilliant additions, which made me realize how much stronger we are when united against this evil.

British Autism Mother

This would make the most marvellous satirical comic book. You need a cartoonist like Peter Brookes of the British newspaper "The Times" (mentioned with neither his knowledge nor permission). He's a hard-hitting cartoonist to such effect that I doubt many of his cartoons could be found in the cloakrooms/bathrooms of his targets (a traditional site).


Love this. So clever, Linda. Hope the ending becomes a reality!


Hilarious yet sad accounting of it all! Well done!

Ed Yazbak


Just superb!

SNL next?

Jeannette Bishop


Thanks so much for putting this together!

Anita Donnelly

Awesome and the comments are awesome and creative too!
One point: if you are sensitive to lead you are likely to be extra sensitive to Mercury too --synergistic toxins. In a pubmed story..
I keep trying to call flint and say don't give pregnant women flu shots.
But of course, even if I scream through my pipes they cannot hear this.

Gary Ogden

Magnificent. Superb. Linda 1, you have a real gift.


Linda this is just wonderful. I could not stop laughing. What an awesome satirist You are. Am sharing this right now, and liked the Trump plug too.



Brilliant satire,Linda1! ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT.

Here are some variations on the theme...

Mother: We just had 6 holes drilled into our pipes, and I saw WATER coming OUT of those holes! Those holes are CAUSING the leaking!

Plumber: Calm down, don't jump to hysterical conclusions. Correlation does not equal causation. It was genetics. Or coincidence. Or both. But it had nothing to do with the holes in the pipes!

Mother: But when we have holes in our water bottles, THEY leak. Isn't that the same thing?

Plumber: Nonsense! We know holes in pipes don't cause leaks, because the Pipeholing industry has kindly provided us with their own studies, done on pipes that have never been exposed to water. They funded, directed, interpreted, and marketed these studies, and THEY say that holes can't possibly leak water. I don't see any leaking right now You go ahead and take all the showers and baths you want, and if you THINK you're seeing leaks, you can pay me to come back and drill more holes to make you feel better. If there's still a problem, we can add fluoride to your water, that always helps.

Mother: But I KNOW it's leaking! My kids are having trouble getting their school work done, because there's always water dripping onto their homework and onto their computers!

Plumber: That's perfectly normal! All kids have trouble concentrating! We'll add some Ritalin to your water, too. But look at your little tyke flailing in the corner there--he looks a little blue, doesn't he? We'd better add some Prozac to the water, too.

Mother: I think he's blue because he's underwater and can't breathe!

Plumber: Nonsense! You're clearly delusional. I'll make sure to add Zyprexa and Seroquel for you, because you must be paranoid and a conspiracy theorist. And dealing with a difficult child must be depressing, so we'll add Zoloft for you as well.”
And the original:
Mother: He just ate his first peanut butter sandwich, and suddenly, his lips and face swelled up, and he couldn't breathe!

Doctor: Calm down, don't jump to hysterical conclusions. Correlation does not equal causation. It was genetics. Or coincidence. Or both. But it had nothing to do with the peanut butter!

Mother: But we have peanut allergies on both sides of the family!

Doctor: Nonsense! We know peanuts don't cause reactions, because the peanut industry has kindly provided us with their own studies, done on kids with no family history or other risk of peanut allergy. They funded, directed, interpreted, and marketed these studies, and THEY say that peanuts don't cause anything more than a swollen arm. You let little Timmy eat all the peanut butter sandwiches he wants, and I'll write prescriptions for the swelling, choking, vomiting, etc.If he has trouble focusing on schoolwork while he's choking, we'll give him Ritalin, too. He looks a little blue, doesn't he? Let's give him Prozac.

Mother: I think he's blue because he can't breathe!

Doctor: Nonsense! You're clearly delusional. Here are prescriptions for Zyprexa and Seroquel for you, because you must be paranoid and a conspiracy theorist. And dealing with a difficult child must be depressing, so here's a prescription for Zoloft for you as well.”



You've outdone yourself with this one, kiddo. GREAT job!

Angus Files

Thanks Linda enjoyed that, and both my brothers being plumbers, and knowing nothing about Autism would probably disagree..





Thank you. I forgot to include what happened to the "adjusters". They ended up volunteering to work in the prison because they could never be convinced that those conditions were not good for them or anyone else or that there was ever a problem to begin with.

Another moral to the story. Love it!

You cracked me up. Great stuff.

So interesting about the history of lead in pipes - and still going on.

Thanks all for your great comments and additions.

Laura Hayes


What an excellent way to convey the immoral and unethical vaccine insanity that has overtaken our country and beyond. Mountains of evidence in the form of millions of chronically ill, permanently and severely disabled, and prematurely dead babies, children, and young adults (not to mention middle-aged and elderly adults as Dan Olmsted pointed out yesterday in his article about Alzheimer's disease) are unbelievsbly swept under the rug as though both unimportant and nonexistent.

Utterly insane and barbaric best describe our nation's vaccine program. And those profiting from it, endorsing it, mandating it, and/or directly administering it range from inexcusably and willfully ignorant, to blissfully corrupt, to sheer evil.

Sharing widely now! You have really hit the nail in the head with this one, Linda1...thank you!

Grace Green

This is excellent! Writing like this will win hearts and minds where all the stats and research (necessary as these are to make the case) fail to.
Linda, if you don't want to give your full name, might I suggest you think up a really good pen-name under which to write?


Good one Linda, and great job! Our nation's leaders in every area seems to have gone looney and greedy all at the same time.

Maurine Meleck

This is a good one, Linda. I might also add that millions of people followed the pied piper into the rust of eternity because that's what people do when they don't educate themselves.


You are wrong. Scientists have disproven any links between flooding and the holes in the pipes. The flooding is caused by a combination of genetic and environmental factors. it tends to happen in homes of families that overheat and so keep their windows open when it rains. In fact a few studies have found a correlation between homes that have older mothers and flooding. They suspect that the mothers who are going through menopause are keeping their windows open during the rain. Another theory says that the flooding is caused by "refrigerator mothers" who do not notice the cold air that comes in when it rains and don't close their windows.

In any case, we live in a time where we need to accept Decor Diversity! Wetness and mold are inspired by nature. Let us celebrate them! I am a certified flooding therapist. I go into people's homes with colorful air mattresses and blow up boats. I pass out Piña Colodas and give everyone swimming lessons. We have a blast! I have a friend who takes a behavioral approach. Whenever there is a lull in the flooding, she throws jelly beans at the house. I find her method costly because it must be done for at least 40 hours a week but it is very effective. Either way flooding can be dealt with. April is Flooding Awareness Month. Celebrate! Light it up green!

Jenny Allan

The Romans, who cleverly invented ingenious plumbing systems, failed to notice their lead pipes were causing stunted growth and cognitive impairments in the population. This was pointed out to me by a guide in Pompeii.

Lead water pipes were still being installed in the UK during the last century, and although many were replaced with safer alternative materials during renovations by the water services, many still remain. In soft water regions the lead leaches out, due to the natural acidity of rainwater. At least, millenniums after the Roman occupations in the UK, the dangers from lead are now officially acknowledged and lead petrol additives were finally removed a few decades ago. Ironically Linda, lead pipes are very prone to leaking due to the same erosion processes which cause the lead to 'leach' into the water supply.

Mercury is an even more potent neurotoxin than lead, but we are still in a situation where Thiomersal, around 50% mercury is considered a safe ingredient in vaccines. Forget all that crap about Ethyl Mercury being 'safe', whilst only Methyl Mercury represents a danger. Apart from any other consideration, Ethyl Hg is known to be converted to Methyl Hg during certain biological processes, and Thiomersal seed dressings killed people who foolishly ate the potatoes instead of planting them. Merthiolate, an antiseptic containing Thiomersal killed several newborn babies when it was applied to their umbilical cords. Putting this poison into vaccines is sheer MADNESS!!

Thanks Linda1. I enjoyed the satire. I hope it's shared widely.

John Stone


This is a satire almost as good as Animal Farm. It put me in mind of the words John Elder Robision last week in response to Alessandro on Jonathan Rose's History Network blog "Yes, there is an autism epidemic":

"The "autism epidemic" idea is not part of the conversation at NIH and CDC because the evidence does not support it."

Robison, who is obviously a nice man, and very different from the pharmaceutical trolls - who oddly did not show up to misbehave on Rose's blog - retreated from the fray after I drew his attention to the Braun paper:

"Last year's paper by Braun et al (from the CDC) shows intellectual disability staying at the same level and autism soaring by nearly 4 times for children born between 1988 and 2002: "the consistent application of methods and case definitions across all surveillance years provides strong internal validity to evaluate trends".


The pipes are leaking... This is also fundamentally not a story about science but about institutional malfeasance.


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