In a stunning announcement, set to calm the fears of Americans from Hawaii to Maine, CDC reports that President Obama has signed an executive order giving every penny in the DOD budget to Ebola genetics research. Called HeEbeeGeeBee, (Heroic Ebola Genetic Benefit) this redistribution of Federal funds is the first of its kind in the United Sates of America.
Dr. Tom Insel, who is the nation's leading expert in funneling funds away from research that seeks to pinpoint causation or could lead to cure, has been pulled from his post as head of the Interagency Autism Coordinating Committee to head up the HeEbeeGeeBee program.
An unidentified HeeEbeeGeeBee researcher said, "We anticipate results from HeEbeeGeeBee in approximately 50 - 75 years, really, a blink of an eye in genetics. We've begun studying cockroach leg movement in detail and should progress to small worms within just seventeen years."
He added, "If you think you have been exposed to Ebola, we assure you that you are wrong. You have not. However, you are welcome to ask for a quarantine of up to 18 years from your local school district."
We'll report more as details come in from CDC.
Thank you. And please wash your hands.