Back to school always brings a huge push to convince Americans that vaccines are completely safe and entirely necessary to our survival. There are no 30 second spots on TV with 28 seconds of side effects. There are no two page magazine ads with one full page devoted to side effects. Just article after article attacking anyone who dares to question the reality of vaccine safety - including a prominent environmental activist with a pretty recognizable name.... Thanks to Dr. Darrell Crain for sharing this "Onion'esque" post with us.
By Paul Scratchit
Three years ago today the Vaccine General’s office in the White House declared its intention to wipe out dandruff. “Dandruff is a nasty vaccine-preventable disease,” said Vera Welthy, first lieutenant to the Vaccine General.
“Dandruff is a scary, unsightly, and potentially deadly disease. We know of at least two cases where a dandruff-stricken individual, distracted by brushing scalp flakes off their shoulders, stepped off of a curb right into the path of a fast-moving motor vehicle.”
A press release from the Vaccine General points out that the government has invested vast sums of taxpayer money into eradicating dandruff once and for all over the past three years. “We will soon leave dandruff behind us and prevent children from growing up worried about skin flakes in their hair,” according to the announcement. “We can’t just blow off the sometimes deadly Disastrous Dandruff Disorder (DDD), we must attack dandruff vigorously, just as we do every time we come up with something we can call a new vaccine-preventable disease.”
Federal recommendations were quickly put in place three years ago mandating the anti-dandruff vaccine for all school-aged children. Congress even voted to give anti-dandruff vaccine maker Smerck-Roachee $1.5 billion to upgrade its gigantic anti-dandruff laboratory in New Jersey as a matter of national security.
States all over the country now require the initial seven shot series (nine shots for girls) before entering school. No shot, no school – unless you can find a medical doctor willing to sign the official form acknowledging you as a bad parent who has decided to sentence your child to a life of dandruff suffering that can lead to low self esteem and decades of heavy pharmaceutical treatment for severe depression, anxiety, and latent anti-government sentiment.
Schools report that 98 percent of their students are now anti-dandruff vaccine compliant, close to 100 percent, and the government has recently spent millions on billboards and TV ads bragging to the public how well the anti-dandruff program is working – notably highlighting the popular “See Something, Shoot Something” campaign.
But four months ago, an outbreak of dandruff drifted into California, where officials are on the verge of declaring the first ever pandandrudemic. Inexplicably, the outbreak seems to universally affect the kids who are fully vaccinated against dandruff with the government-mandated anti-dandruff shots.
Authorities there called an emergency press conference earlier this week and strongly encouraged parents to “have all your children vaccinated this week and again next week, plus have yourselves injected at least once for good measure.” Meanwhile, children with ridiculously unscientific anti-vaccination parents who opted out of the dandruff vaccine program were sent home with notes blaming them for causing the outbreaks.
One such parent, Sharon Innfo, heads up a group working to protect rules for opting out, called Done With Government Sponsored And Paid For Unnecessary Medical Intervention Programs (DWGSAPFUMIP). “Our kids who didn’t get the vaccine are also not getting the dandruff. Can’t our health leaders look at the evidence and conclude that this vaccine is a failure? Why should our kids be pressured into getting the shot that seems to make dandruff worse? And who decided dandruff is such a terrible thing anyway? If you just use shampoo and conditioner often enough you won’t even get dandruff!”
The Vaccine General’s office released a statement in response saying that Innfo and her ilk are putting the very lives of children at risk every time they move their lips and criticize the anti-dandruff vaccine program.
The office repeated its assertion that its highly-paid and well-connected scientists have all worked for many different pharmaceutical companies over the years, besides being appointed many times to various high level governmental positions. It was this august body of researchers who met over lunch one day and carefully studied the potentially deadly dandruff scourge and the DDD vaccine designed to brush dandruff off the face of the earth forever.
“There is a veritable blizzard of dandruff research that verifies the safety and awesomeness of anti-dandruff vaccines,” said Vaccine General spokesman Welthy, “Both studies we looked at were meticulously carried out over a two-day period by renown anti-dandruff vaccine maker Smerck-Roachee. Those two elegant studies prove without a doubt that this shot is as American as apple pie, as amazing as sliced bread, and not only protects against dandruff, but makes your kid smarter, taller, and more popular.”
In a rare public appearance by the Vaccine General himself, Victor VonVaxhauler, PdD., appeared in an interview with Sean Innanity on Fox News. VonVaxhauler places the blame for the dandruff outbreaks squarely on the heads and shoulders of unvaccinated children and their parents. “Why do these people dislike children, hate America, and act as if they could possibly be smart enough to research vaccines themselves? Don’t they know that the government always knows what is best for its citizens?”
Darrel Crain is a chiropractor who works with pregnant moms, babies and kids to help them optimize their innate potential for great health. He practices in Alpine, California and is the author of the book Well Beyond Medicine, Healthy By Nature.