After that, I backed up to give her some space, then I said in a disappointed tone, “Megan, I haven’t seen you in two months.” Megan got up and opened her bedroom door and urged me to leave. She pointing at me then again at the doorway with a death stare. She showed me out of the room then gazed at me again with anger. She closed the door slowly and I heard the hinge creak. When Megan closed that door, she closed the door on my hopes and dreams. It made me feel like she never wants to see me. She wants to shut me out. It doesn’t matter how long it has been since I have seen her. She is not feeling well and must be left alone. I always hoped that this sisterly bond could change that but it can’t. Fall break, Winter Break, and now Spring Break it doesn’t matter what season it is, her illness is still apparent, the only thing that changes is the weather.

As the night progressed, Megan began to feel better, but still not well enough to greet me properly. I just wondered if she understood the length of time that I had been gone or how I moved out and live somewhere else. Does Megan comprehend any of this? My mother tells me stories of how my sister goes in my room to search for me or how she expects for me to walk through the door when my mom comes home by scanning the front door for another person to come inside too. These stories give me hope that she misses me, but I don’t feel missed when I come back home. I guess it is bad timing. The next day, Megan was so happy and energetic. She was probably in the best mood ever.

 She opened the door to her room and pointed at me to come inside. My jaw dropped. She turned up the music and we danced to the overplayed top 40’s songs like we have never heard of them before. She flashed the lights intermittently as if we were in a club, we jumped on the bed back and forth, and I picked her up and twirled her around repeatedly until my arms were throbbing. It was amazing the difference from the night before. This is Megan. This is my sister, not the person who shuts the door on me. That wasn’t her at all and I am glad to say that Megan was back! She finally recognized that I was gone for months and wrapped her arms around me rocking me and squeezing me gently. She kept placing her nose on my cheek and was sniffing my skin. I would give her a wet kiss on the cheek in return. She would wipe off my saliva from her cheek and place the palm of her hand on the tip of her nose. I know for a fact my breath does not smell that good but for Megan, smelling is a sign of familiarity and acceptance so I was relieved that I was again accepted. 

This moment is what I thought about on the train ride home the previous day. Megan and I put on matching sunglasses and started posing for some photos with my iPhone’s front camera. We captured a few good pictures, mostly selfies and I sent some snapchats to a few friends as well to show them my happy sister.  Megan would look at her own reflection in the camera. She placed her nose against my phone’s touch screen and just stared. Her smile widened and her eyes lit up. They were the calming green once again. I think Megan was admiring her mood and her appearance. She was probably thinking to herself how beautiful she was and how wonderful it is to feel healthy for a while. I am not sure because she can’t tell me how she feels, but somehow I knew. I was happy to be home again because this is the moment I was waiting for.

As a sibling, a parent, or knowing someone with autism, their happiness is our own happiness. It is not easy to be shut out and be rejected by someone who we care about so much. It is difficult to see the mood swings, to accept the fact that it is not us, but the sickness and IT is the problem. When there is a problem, you don’t ignore it, but instead find a solution. The terrible sickness that so many with autism have affects their mood and relationships with their family and friends. I feel helpless a lot because of my sister’s medical issues, her vocal tics, her gastrointestinal problems, her seizures, her infections, her autoimmune disorder and all the things that bring her pain and suffering. When I come home to see my sister, I have to realize that I am not coming home to Megan, but to her autism. I can’t magically make her smile if she is in a bad mood. I thought I had that power. I believed that it doesn’t matter how she is feeling, she should still feel excited to see me no matter what, but it’s not really Megan. My sister would never shut me out or stare at me angrily, that is her sickness. 

When two sisters unite after a long period of time, it should be joyful, not unbearable. Illness should not interfere with this event, but it does and she can’t control it. No family should have to deal with this, but it happens unfortunately. I am blessed that Megan has good days but she deserves more. I love documenting her happy moments by taking selfies with Megan. I can look back and appreciate my sister feeling healthy and pain-free for a change. This is why autism research is imperative because we can discover how to keep the good days in the near future and capture as many selfies with our loved ones as much as we want. Happy selfies should not be rare but the norm, but why isn’t it for Megan and so many others? Why are these moments so rare? We have to find the solution so these moments are not scarce. Maybe one day I can have countless, beautiful pictures with my sister, not just a few good ones. 

Mary Conrick is a freshman at Saint Louis University, majoring in both Special Education and Elementary Education..  Home for her is suburban Chicago, where she is the younger of two sisters. Her older sister, Megan, is 21 and has severe, regressive autism and is non-verbal. Megan and Mary both enjoy laughing and having a good time. Mary’s aspirations include being able to work during summer break at Disney World, as the Princess Brave, to be a wonderful teacher and to be the greatest sister.