They are beautiful!

Beth,

Not every day is full of sibling love and acceptance. Oh, how I wish it could be! Most days are, and I am so amazed at how my other kids quickly tune into Ronan's needs. I credit that with how conscious we all have had to become in staying a step ahead of Ronan. The kids are just as aware of his needs as my husband and I are, so they help keep Ronan safe and engaged in an activity for that to happen. The kids know that only because of what happens when he is NOT occupied.

We go through waves of let's-everybody-help-Ronan to ‘Mommmmm! He's taking ___ (my food, my toy, my video game)’.

With the later response, I try to remind my typicals that Ronan needs a lot of direction and doesn't remember "the rules" as well as they are able to. Because of that, they've discovered how to be part of the solution when things get tough. They remember that Ronan gets fed first (so as to avoid a cookie heist while they reach into the snack cabinet), that it's his movie choice first and theirs next. When they help to get Ronan settled first, with a snack, with a video, with his books, etc, they not only feel helpful but they see that they've created peace and it will be rewarded (for lack of a better word) because then they get their own wants and needs met without interruption.

It has taken a lot of time to create these moments, and every now and then we revisit a 'Mom, this isn't fair! Why does Ronan get ___ (extra time on the iPad, 2 cookies, etc.) when we can't?' That's when we have the sit down talk about you (typicals) can do A, B, C,...and the way to X, Y and Z. Ronan can barely do A on his own. I know it doesn’t seem fair, and you’re right. It isn’t. Let's see what we can do to work together to make it easier for all of us. Some of those sit down conversations are full of tears, mine included, but the gentle reminders of how much they can do, and how much easier they have it compared to their brother gives them the boost they need to get through some of this growing up with autism that they are doing.

Sibling rivalry didn’t stop the moment Ronan lost his abilities. It just morphed into something very different. On the bad days we see jealousy and disappointment like any typical family might see. But on the good days, I feel like I am doing the right thing because I see that the relationship my kids have with Ronan includes a selfless outpouring of service and protection. It also includes a love so fierce that nothing can come between it.

Thank you, Cathy, for continuing to share the ups and downs, and how to say "worse and deeper than downs?", of "autism." That is but one of the many reasons I love this blog. No one but another autism parent can truly know what it takes day in and day out to live this life. As my very dear friend, who has 2 children with autism, wrote to me yesterday, "It is incompatible to feel good and live this life." Wow. And truly, she is a very positive woman with a deep faith…which just goes to show how trying autism can be on a family…and often, most especially on a mom. On days/weeks like you are currently experiencing, all I can say is cling to your faith in the One who will sustain you through this earthly journey, which can be so difficult at times. He will provide as you trust in Him, just like He provided through Little Buddy last week. And cling to the other parents you know who are on this journey with you. I don't know what I'd do without my "autism mom" friends. They lift me up and keep me going when I am down, on those dark days where all things autism seem to keep kicking you in the gut without relief. Somehow, though, another crisis is worked through, and the sun seems to shine again. May the sun shine on you and your family today, Cathy, and especially on precious Ronan. I will say a special prayer for healing and continued progress for Ronan today :) And one for you, too…for stamina, patience, hope, and joy. God bless you, Cathy.