The Little Things
By Cathy Jameson
Gosh, that smile of yours. I miss it. I miss that happy baby grin. And those sparkling eyes. And your husky voice and those perfectly
round, oh-so-pinchable cheeks. Where did
they go? You lit up every part of a room
you walked into wherever you went. I
miss that. I miss that about you and how
full of life you were back then. I miss
all of it.
When you started to slip away, much of your typical development was replaced. Silence fell over you. Milestone achievements came to an end. The further into the abyss you fell, milestones even seemed to reverse! It didn’t make sense. Since then, you’ve been met with every delay imaginable. Playtime? It’s a struggle. Interactions? They are fleeting. Abilities? Some are non-existent. Conversations? Those were stolen from you after your words disappeared.
What am I to do? Accept what happened to you and move on? That isn’t fair to you. You’re a worthy of more than that. Your life is more valuable than just being a statistic. Every fight and every victory I obtain for you is done to bring you justice. And peace. How I’d love to feel at peace again. Battles I wouldn’t wish on another human being are part of my mission--a mission to bring you healing.
So much changed for you and within you. What changed for me? New words I never knew existed
pepper my
vocabulary. People I never thought I’d
ever encounter now sustain me. That’s
comforting. Somewhat. Even with the knowledge I have, and with the
support that envelops me, I still feel like every day is a new day and that
nothing is a certainty. I’m in “go” mode
at all times. Most of the time is because
of unsettled fear. Fear that you could
lose ground on any given day and fall further behind. I lost you once, and I’ll be damned if I lose
you again to more regressions. So, I go
forward. I learn everything I can. And I stand up and fight for you. It’s what I do to keep us both feeling like
we’re moving forward.
Could I do more? Absolutely. Am I trying as hard as I can? You bet I am. Is it going to take a long time to do everything and then some for you? Apparently. We’re 8 long years into this, you and I. Am I ready to stick it out? Of course I will. Your life, your purpose and your well being have become a priority that I will not ignore.
These bits of your past may stay missing or fractured for awhile yet, but I have faith I will witness them again. As the rest of you works a thousand times harder than other kids have to, I see how determined you are. You will not stop trying, or doing, or trying again. Thank God for that. Thank God because I do believe you are capable and that your future will be greeted with many triumphs.
What’s it like now? Remember that twinkle in your eyes? Every now and then I get a glimpse of it. The voice I miss so, so much? It remains eerily silent. You have sounds though. I’ll cling to those sounds until I hear your beautiful voice again. Something else I cling? Your smile. When you smile, when it flashes across your face, oh boy, my entire being lights up.
Cathy Jameson is a Contributing Editor for Age of Autism.
And gorgeous photos too!
Posted by: Twyla | April 08, 2013 at 11:24 AM
Beautifully written.
Posted by: Twyla | April 07, 2013 at 11:46 PM
"One step at a time. Little by little, we will do this."
Cilantro will pull both mercury and aluminum out of your body. I would certainly look at using it every day if possible.
Cilantro is one of the few known foods that removes mercury, aluminum, lead and other heavy metals from your brain and Central Nervous System as well as the rest of your body. Be sure to eat at least a bunch cilantro at least each and every week.
“We found that cilantro accelerated the elimination mercury, lead and aluminum thru the urine. If given before mercury filling removal procedure the mercury can be eliminated in 2 to 3 weeks by giving cilantro four times a day.” Omura et al 1995
"A generous sprinkling of fresh coriander helps to make up for the lack of green leafy stuff in our diets. It contains good levels of beta carotene and vitamin C, two of the antioxidants thought to protect against age-related disease, and measures up pretty well against other antioxidant-rich fruit and veg.” Life Extension, Note coriander is the dried seed of the cilantro plant
"Cilantro is a power-packed flavor enhancer that contains an eye-popping amount of phytonutrients including borneol, carvone, camphor, elemol, geraniol, and linalool among the most prominent. It also contains popular flavonoids such as quercetin and apigein. Cilantro also contains active phenolic compounds and is nutritionally dense in dietary fiber, manganese, iron and magnesium." Life Extension
"A Japanese investigator Yoshiaki Omura has made the revolutionary discovery that cilantro can mobilize mercury and other toxic metals from the central nervous system if large enough amounts are consumed daily. Dried cilantro does not work." Sally Fallon
Posted by: Lou | April 07, 2013 at 11:42 PM
This hits right home for me. Being the mother of three older typically developed children, I knew my son was lacking and soon I realized he was disappearing and I sprang into action. From that day forward, every day became a battle, a fierce battle for my son's life. I often feel sad at how hard they must work while others are playing and enjoying their childhood. I often feel his childhood was robbed from him. He ignored his baby toys and just stared. He's now almost 4 and I still cannot bare to throw our those infant toys, its just to painful. I can though happily report that after almost two years of therapies and biomedical treatment, he has found his voice once again and plays approapriately with just about every toy he can get his hands on. There is hope and I will NEVER give up this fight.
Posted by: L Ocasio | April 07, 2013 at 11:16 PM
Beautifully written.
Posted by: 4Bobby | April 07, 2013 at 09:43 PM
Autism stole the life our kids were meant to lead. This is our story as well. I pray that Ronan get's his voice back as our Nick did. So much love to you and yours.
Posted by: KFuller | April 07, 2013 at 01:31 PM