By Katie Wright
Vaccines are the most effective and safe health care interventions in history. OK listen up dummies. Thanks to all those exasperating parents who dare to question vaccine safety the IOM has released a thorough and objective report on the safety of childhood immunizations.
Vaccines are the greatest health breakthrough of the 20th century. In order to ensure the objectivity of this report the IOM committee excluded all parents of any child injured by vaccines, as well as all experts in pediatric toxicology and environmental science in general. Relieved right? The committee members, instead, included: experts in women’s reproductive health, immigration, technology, torts, cloning, immunization program officers and inventors as well as organ transplant experts. OK? Satisfied! This crew knows their stuff so you can feel fully confident in their extensive expertise on adverse vaccination reactions. Happy now?
Vaccines are the most important health breakthrough of all time! Along with this very balanced group of experts, stakeholders were allowed to testify in front of the committee. The “stakeholders” included vaccine makers, vaccine patent holders, vaccine distributors, parents who love this highly aggressive vaccine schedule (and believe you me they were hard to find but we did it!) as well as 1 parent of a vaccine injured child, Barbara Loe Fisher. Ok, totally level playing field right? The fact that vaccine safety is the number one health concerns of all new parents was more than fairly represented. So you are welcome! We bent over backwards to accommodate you people!
Vaccines are sacred. Ok so there you are- a highly diverse body of stakeholders – a dozen vaccine salespeople and Barbara Loe Fisher. Perfect! Who could ask for more?
Vaccines save lives! Needless to say our committee poured over the work of noted vaccine safety experts: Eric Fombonne (professional testifier against children in vaccine court), DeStanfo (CDC vaccine representative), Trotter, Tse, O’Leary (ardent foes of vaccine safety research and hysterical defenders of all vaccines all the time). And finally we really emphasized the critical work of CDC partner and indicted criminal, yes, the only and only Dr. Poul Thorsen. Nitpickers have complained that because of his thievery and deliberately misleading research practices, the Thorsen studies should now be referred to as Madsen studies. Ok, fine. “Madsen”/ Thorsen’s apprentice worked hand and hand with the Danish Serum (Vaccine) Institut on his excellent and thoroughly objective research.
We want to start testing the Anthrax vaccine on American children now, asap, (true!). We know you moaners out there would complain that our research was heavily biased towards professional vaccine makers and backers so we also skimmed the Dr. Bob Sears “Vaccine” book, which advocates fully informing parents of vaccine side effects . Sears holds no vaccine patents and does not work for a vaccine maker (no wonder his is so misinformed!). FYI we found that his book to be dangerous and we had only negative things to say about it.
Vaccines are the greatest medical innovation of all time. In summary our report concluded:
1) All vaccine makers are required to report adverse effects in their clinical trials. Duh, the vaccine makers almost never report any adverse effects so more proof vaccines are proven to be safe!
2) “Stakeholders concerns do not warrant the initiation of high cost studies.” Exact quote.
3) There are too many research studies on parental concerns regarding vaccine safety and not enough study on parent education re the life saving magic of all vaccines. Almost exact quote.
4) The Internet is dangerous and is the sole reason for the public’s distrust of the infant immunization schedule. Ideally access to all non-CDC approved sites would be verboten. This matter will be revisited at the next IOM meeting.
5) This committee found there is basically no research, none at all, on the safety of the totality of the infant vaccination schedule. Therefore, there is NO proof our vaccine schedule is NOT safe. Your fears put to rest, no doubt. Your welcome!
* The first sentence of every chapter of the IOM report did indeed begin with various versions of “vaccine save lives!” quotes