Self Discovery
By Cathy Jameson
I’m reorganizing parts of my life. Wait. Didn’t I just do that a month ago? I think I did. I remember sitting at the dining room table with the family calendar, a notebook, stacks of bills, medical paperwork and a headache. I know I said to myself that I needed to get some things straightened out. I know I worked on a plan, a list and an ultimate goal: to be more organized. I needed to do that because life was pretty chaotic a month ago. I had no direction yet needed to be in several places at the same time. I was more flustered than functional. Having those kinds of days aren’t helpful. They make my children’s days worse. The kids feed off my scatterbrained negativity and bounce like little rubber bouncy balls from one room to the next. Rowdy, ridiculously distracted and somewhat annoying replaced my normally helpful, happy and thoughtful children. I knew I needed to get a grip then, and am begging to do that even more so now.
That plan I know I started included going to bed earlier, giving up extra time online research and internet socializing. I wanted to do that because I’m preparing for Ronan’s transition from full-days at school to all-days at home. He’s going to need all of me all day long for the summer months. I was actually getting excited for my typical kids to be done with their first year at a regular school too looking forward to being with them this summer. But, I’m not ready for them. I’m not excited anymore for them to be home 24/7. The kids and their energy will tip over some of the piles I’ve allowed to stack up. They’ll stir up the dust I’ve allowed to settle. They’ll think it’s okay to be droppsies because Mommy is the biggest droppsie in the house leaving shoes in the living room there or my jacket laying over the chair here. I haven’t done anything constructive to that list I started except add to it! In the last week I have come face-to-face with how utterly unorganized my entire household is.
I can’t run away from the unruliness that I have created. I had embraced getting very lazy in my ways, it but now I’m trying to wrestle it to the ground and get rid of it. With distractions all around me I know it’s time for another re-org. The first thing I have to get rid of as I attempt to bring some peace into my home is to reduce the amazing amount of computer/internet time I give myself. When Ronan started to decline, with his multiple diagnoses and with my quest for knowledge, I fed an imaginary internet meter that never turned off. Just one more article. One more peek on a message board thread. One more comment. One more post. One more question. One more thought…distraction…excuse.
Instead of living in the moment, I’ve allowed my thoughts and other’s responses rule my schedule. I spend a lot of time on the computer digging deeper into What Ifs than What’s Happening Right Under My Nose. It’s a lot of time online. A lot. My kids have started to ask me when am I going to be done, why do I have to check my email, and didn’t you just do that? Stuff doesn’t get done with I’m engrossed in an online activity. My kids have gotten used to either seeing my profile or the back of my head when they attempt to ask me a question. They know when it’s a good time to talk to me and when Mommy’s doing some “work” (so they better scatter like flies). They know when I’m “listening for real” or when they need to snap me out of an internet fix to get my attention.
I’ve allowed my “work” activities to help me escape reality. Some “work” is legit like checking on upcoming appointments, getting directions to a new provider or sending updates to family. But it also includes frequent breaks to social network or window shop on a store site knowing I will never buy anything from them. I catch up on who’s doing what with which autism protocol. I lurk on message boards wishing I had the energy other parents have to try the new things they are doing. I ignore my own surroundings wishing I was experiencing another’s. I permit a pity party or two while I frolic deep within the World Wide Web. I click from one webpage to another some days hoping I’ve wasted enough time sitting still to be able to fast forward to the kids’ bedtime routine. Really. Really?!
How generous of me to allow that amount of “me” time. Who wouldn’t want to forget the reality of how hard autism parenting is for just a few minutes here or there? But, those few minutes have added up. So did piles of dishes and heaps of laundry. I added extra chaos to our day instead of relieve it. It’s beyond time I get a grip on that chaos I’ve allowed to settle in.
This sort of change is good. I’m grateful for making the discovery that things need to be changed. It’s a grounding I really need right now. My kids are about to leave a successful school year. They can’t wait to be home to play, swim and run around in the great outdoors. They only wish for long, carefree summer. They even asked me if I’d be able to play with them since we won’t have to run all over the place like. I have two weeks left until their freedom starts. Two weeks to clean up my act, to get a grip and to prepare the house and my attitude for hours and hours of family time. Yes, that sort of change is just what I need.
I really want to live in the present for once. I want to catapult myself into peaceful thoughts of my family’s future--a future knowing I did the right thing at the right time, and not regretting what I didn’t do or what I purposefully ignored. My children need me now. They need me focused. They need my good energy all day long not only when I feel like giving it to them in between the click of the mouse. Sitting at the computer while my legs go numb doesn’t get dinner on the table. It doesn’t vacuum the upstairs nor the downstairs for that matter. It doesn’t foster appropriate play for Ronan since I’m not sitting on the floor playing with him. In order to really live in this house I call my home I need to live. I need to re-embrace my job as wife and mother of five because those people who depend on me are pretty amazing. They make my world turn round and round. And, they love me even when there are times I stoop so low as to ignore their needs and place mine astronomically higher than theirs.
To be with the living instead of bemoaning the would-have-could-have-should-have moments. To feel alive, refreshed and energized. Instead of pretending the world will collapse if I don’t check in online multiple times a day. To explore the real world outside my front door, to appreciate the human beings in my midst and to find other ways to unwind and maybe even to relax a little bit. It’s what I signed up years ago to do when I helped bring that family of mine into existence. I miss that. I used to have it. I veered far, far away from some of that reality.
It’s sort of ironic that Ronan is getting a do-over during this self discovery phase I’m going through. He is again on the cusp of greatness, and I almost missed out on a recent event. Thankfully I had a camera close by and captured a moment of amazement.
Ronan’s writing new words and has transitioned to proper use of lower case letters. He is drinking from a regular cup and swallowing supplements in pill form. Ronan is also sleeping through the night and says “all done” consistently when he’s finished with an activity. I am witnessing a new layer of learning from that child. A new level of understanding. And a renewal of hope for he and I. It’s a great time for me to jump offline to see what’s on the other side of my computer screen—to be among the living within my own four walls. I won’t walk away from my internet connections forever, but I will curb some of the distractions I’ve chosen to make priorities. This thing called life, it’s calling me. It’s time to turn off that online meter and just be. Right now, it’s the right thing to do.
Cathy Jameson is a Contributing Editor for Age of Autism.
I had typed up a response last night before I went to bed (early for once, and I got 9 hours of sleep!) but I forgot to send it. Sigh.
So, what a difference a weekend with limited internet time! I got so much done. My bedroom looks like....wait for it...a bedroom! No more piles of laundry in various stages of sort, fold, distribute. No more shoes shoved under a chair. No more clothes draped carelessly over said chair. I even got through two of the kids' room and have a small pile of things to donate.
My desk area - oy. That's be a different story. I have writing projects stacked on the left side and medical appointment scheduling nightmares growing on the right. I hope to pare that pile pared down by the time Ronan's last day of school arrives.
As far as Ronan's summer goes, we have a new option that we've wanted to try for a long time. I don't have all the details yet, but I'll share later if it works out. Ronan is doing great with more Mommy "facetime" this weekend. The neatest part was when he said 'aahh puhhh' after signing apple and fingerspelling a-p-p-l-e. Let the good times roll!
Cat
Posted by: Cat Jameson | June 04, 2012 at 08:48 PM
I agree 100% - shut down all the devices and enjoy all of your children! YOU deserve it and so do they :) I have 2 children: a daughter who's now 21 (NT) and a son who's 16 (ASD). Looking back, my deepest regret is NOT having spent enough time with my NT daughter due to spending excessive amounts of time on "all things autism, all the time". If I had to do it over again, I would definitely find a better balance between the two. I hope you have a terrific summer with your family! The saying is true . . . children do indeed grow up too quickly and before you know it, they're gone.
Posted by: Susan | June 04, 2012 at 10:14 AM
Paperwork and phone calls are my life.....
Posted by: Jennifer Shanahan | June 04, 2012 at 12:57 AM
Loved the video. Regarding time on the keyboard, Mom had a quote I wanted to share: "When in doubt, do laundry" ;)
Posted by: Dan E. Burns, Chair, the Autism Trust USA | June 03, 2012 at 10:45 PM
Geez. I can hardly see my keyboard on my desk at this point. My desk is stacked high with lab tests, attorney's letters, summer camp info, and insurance appeals. Two thoughts: 1) I know that I am trying to avoid what feels impossible at times--recovering my own son--when I find myself dedicating my AM to answering other parent's questions on Yahoo groups. 2) Watching the TLC show "Hoarding" has really helped me to let go of my "stuff"! I just ripped up all of my insurance invoices from 2006! What the heck was I planning to do with those??
Posted by: C. Arnett | June 03, 2012 at 06:57 PM
You are NOT alone... I've been sitting here thinking about what a nightmare mess I have here as I prepare for a HUGE adult service meeting for my son tomorrow. Yes I am preparing today for a meeting tomorrow, something I should have been preparing for weeks ago. So you are NOT Alone.
I'm curious those why is Ronan home all summer with no program? My son would have regressed into God only nows what. Does Ronan have a home program staffed by school people?
Posted by: Jan | June 03, 2012 at 05:53 PM
You are amazing Ronan!! Just like your mom! Much love to all of the Jamesons! xox
Posted by: Lin | June 03, 2012 at 05:21 PM
Oooh, guilty with a capital 'G' over here.
I hear you saying I should turn off the computer and maybe take down some of these Christmas decorations?
Posted by: Donna L. | June 03, 2012 at 03:39 PM
Cat, when I think of all you've done in the past couple of years, including a big move, and all your wonderful writing for us, I can understand the need to have some downtime. Please have a lazy hazy summer!
Posted by: dan olmsted | June 03, 2012 at 02:48 PM
I'm glad that Ronan is making steps forward. Your description of your summer with the children home reminded me of my own childhood and I was struck by how much more mothers now have to do. Growing up in the Fifties and Sixties mothers would shoo the kids out the door to play all day, and "not get underfoot." Then mothers would concentrate on the task before them: cleaning the house and making the dinner. It really was up to the kids to entertain themselves "outdoors." Or sometimes we would have summer projects like making a dress--can you imagine? We would start the summer with material and a dress pattern and hope by the end of the summer to have a dress to wear to school. Our mother would sometimes help us pin the pattern to the material or help with a zipper or tuck, etc. Or we would learn a new skill, or read a couple of books. What we did with summer really had nothing to do with our mother who was quite busy with her own life. But, then, we didn't have big pharm dumping chemicals into our bloodstreams either. And so this age of RX will end too, and none too soon.
Posted by: Kapoore | June 03, 2012 at 12:18 PM
Congrades on the cup - and even more wonderful - he says to you so sweetly "all done".
When they are young like that - there is little time for much of anything - it all goes by like a blur.
Posted by: Benedetta | June 03, 2012 at 10:50 AM
Aaaack! Have you been peeking in my house lately? I do the same thing, and it's not good. Thank you for taking me to task (even though you weren't talking directly to me!) Spot on for a lot of us, I think.
Posted by: Julie Leonardo | June 03, 2012 at 07:52 AM