Autism Barbie - She Rocks!
By Ken R. Schaper
Fashion icon Barbie is going bald next year, in a special doll for children suffering from hair loss or who are watching a loved one go through the process. Mattel will include accessories to provide girls with a traditional fashion play experience. While certainly a welcome therapeutic playtime idea for children who may be frightened watching Mom lose her hair during chemotherapy - or who may be losing their own due to illness, I began to wonder if perhaps this wasn't the start of a trend.
With the CDC announcing a new autism rate that has skyrocketed to one in 88, Autism Barbie may be next.
She'll be accessorized with ten pairs of shoes (not for wearing, but for lining up), a fashionable, Autism Barbie Alert bracelet to prevent her from wandering away, videotapes of her talking, playing and meeting all her milestones just before a "well-baby" visit, and a lifetime supply of diapers.
Autism Barbie loves to rock - her favorite stim!
Every Autism Barbie is packaged with four Autism Kens and is also available with complete Team Barbie: Speech and Language Therapist Barbie, Occupatonal Therapist Barbie, Social Skills Therapist Barbie, ABA Therapist Barbie, Special Ed Teacher Barbie, Aid Barbie, Stupid Useless Doctor Barbie, Wonderful Biomed Doctor Barbie, Ignorant Stranger Barbie, Denialist Pharma Shill Barbie…and more!
The CDC is mandating the doll be marketed as Vaccines Don't Cause Autism Barbie.
A limited edition of 5000 Autism Barbie and Autism Ken dolls will come with their very own certificate from the Vaccine Safety Compensation Institute, rubber stamped: "No compensation for autism!"
Other autism toys from Mattel:
-Toilet that really flushes – filled with realistic one billion dollars spent on genetic research for autism.
-Child-size revolving door for pretend play – first you're a CDC director, then you're president of Merck's vaccine division! Julie Gerberding autograph model.
-Dr. Paul Offit voodoo doll complete with hypodermic needles loaded with the 10,000 vaccines he says a baby can handle.
-Seth Mnookin Twitter puppet repeats everything Dr. Offit says.
-Topsy Turvy Trine Tsouderos doll is a food journalist, but when you flip her upside down, she's a science journalist! Comes with cupcake recipes and authentic-looking award.
- Ari Ne'eman the High Functioning Autistic doll talks, walks and self-advocates while ignoring lower functioning Autism Barbie. Looks so real! Accessorized with neckties.
- Grinker the Stinker, Epidemic Denial doll, claims no increase based on garbage studies – includes garbage can that really reaks!
- Garrulous Gorski and his gang of bendable bloggers contort into almost any position to defend the vaccine industry.
-Pretty, poseable Geraldine Dawson, Chief Science Officer of Autism Speaks doll poses as bff to the autism community, then watch her flip-flop for Pharma! Holds her breath til you turn blue. Throw money at her to make her smile again. Pull her string and she says "Change the conversation." Comes with glitzy Manhattan office, fat paycheck and gobs `n gobs of pharma funding.
So chic! So cool! So cute! Just like autism! Come on, celebrate it!
-Brian `n Fiona – the dolls who cry "Fraudstuh!!" Both are about to be discontinued. You'll laugh at their antics and when you're done playing with them – treat as hazardous waste.
Ken R. Schaper is a toy reviewer who works in the library with the candlestick and is from Dollville, Illinois. Happy MAY DAY! MAY DAY!
This article is EXTREMELY offensive and ignorant as are the majority of the comments! Autism is a spectrum disorder. Vaccines don't cause it. (My sister and I had to get some vaccines at the same time due to us moving from Michigan to Louisiana when we were little girls. She has Asperger's and I don't.) There MIGHT be something genetic, but that is uncertain. There are families with siblings who all have autism and there are families with siblings that have tons of siblings and only one has autism. I know of a mother who has quints. Only one of the five is on the autistic spectrum. So, they've had the same vaccinations at the same times.
Posted by: Bridget Delaney | December 22, 2018 at 05:57 AM
Dnt think the comments are to funny you should b ashamd. my daughter has autism and u have no idea what its like.shame on u all
Posted by: bobbi wallen | January 13, 2013 at 04:38 PM
Wait, but shouldn't she be made to only look out of the corners of her eyes? They should also have realistic poop that pops out of her diaper, which she then automatically smears wherever she is. oh yeah, and then she touches her face and hair with it. And if she's like my kid, she can be like the old baby dolls with a hole in her mouth for a bottle even though she's much older.
If this is successful, we can then do a dual diagnosis Barbie complete with Down Syndrome and Autism. So she not only looks like the Autism Barbie, but she also can come complete with orthotics and shorter limbs just to make it all interesting.....sigh!
Posted by: Julie Leonardo | May 02, 2012 at 12:45 PM
And a portion of every purchase will go to Autism Speaks, to help fund research....oh crap! That won't help these kids!
Posted by: Janet Presson | May 02, 2012 at 10:27 AM
And instead of a Twist'n'Turn waist, Autism Barbie comes with Flap'n'Flail arms, as well as a plastic wall to bang her head on.
Just added to the lineup is Echolalia Autism Barbie--pull the string and she repeats everything you say for 3 hours.
Additional accessories include railway maps, Teletubbies videos, and a toy refrigerator stocked with gluten-free, casein-free foods.
Posted by: Taximom | May 01, 2012 at 06:14 PM
Loved it- I was going to add the "high functioning neuro diverse, I can speak for all of you" (Ari) doll but I see you've covered that! Ya Gorski's gang would be dolls like Gumby.
Posted by: Jen | May 01, 2012 at 06:05 PM
HAHA!!!! thanks for the laugh. don't forget the strange rashes (persistent viral infection)and dilated pupils (mercury poisoning). and of course she'll be allergic to everything. luckily, all Barbies seem to "toe walk" so you're all set there :)
Posted by: Janet Sheehan | May 01, 2012 at 05:44 PM
Thank you so much for the laugh! The list of sensory accessories is unending as well!!
Posted by: KFuller | May 01, 2012 at 04:52 PM
http://www.marketwatch.com/story/sanofi-pasteur-presents-pediatric-data-on-investigational-quadrivalent-influenza-vaccine-2012-05-01
and there will be a need for this for a whole new generation:( they will NOT stop thimerosal because they do not want to stop autism..
Posted by: barbaraj | May 01, 2012 at 04:20 PM
This is great and it makes me wonder what future Barbies will be like perhaps if they implanted in newborns a special insert to make it easier and faster to vaccinate (like an IV hookup)so that kids will be ready for the 100's of vaccines not rolled out yet.
Posted by: Rich | May 01, 2012 at 04:13 PM
Too funny, good job in writing this!
What about a doll that shakes as in seizures.
And
I think James Cherry should have his own doll; after all it would be only fair, since he was Paul Offit's mentor!
Posted by: Benedetta | May 01, 2012 at 03:53 PM
HAHA! Remember Risperadol Boy Buddy Doll with leaky breast buds? A classic!
Posted by: casey | May 01, 2012 at 11:52 AM
This is great!
Posted by: Twyla | May 01, 2012 at 11:13 AM
Finally! As an avid collector of Mattel's Disease of the Week Dolls, I am thrilled to hear about Autism Barbie.
I recall the first time they attempted to release Autism Barbie. Back then only 1 in 10,000 families got one. Not much demand for it and quite rare. Thank goodness the market place can support it now. I know what you might be thinking, is their really an increase in demand for Autism Barbie or is this some fad being driven by crazy parents. You know how we are. 'If little Bobby has it, my little Janey should have it too!" Media research suggests the demand for Autism Barbie is driven by parents who want their children to have it even when the children don't.
Autism Collectibles are really hot now thanks to all the "awarness." But beware consumers. It can take months, sometimes years to have it appraised. Just when you thought your kid had the real deal you are told it's a knock-off. "But it looks like Autism Barbie! it has the same accessories." you'll plead. "I hear this a lot now," the expert says clucking his tongue "You must be referring to the old Doll Selling Manual - or as we professionals call it - the DSM IV. Sorry, you've been had." Hard to believe but it is going to be happening more and more. Or so we've been told....
Posted by: Christine Thompson | May 01, 2012 at 11:03 AM
Priceless!
Posted by: Cassandra | May 01, 2012 at 10:57 AM
this is great! ...and don't forget Dr. Harvey Feelgood, the child psychiatrist doll who has lots of "candy" for Barbie. Dr. Feelgood comes with his own miniature copy of DSM V and a pill dispensor.
Posted by: Sarah | May 01, 2012 at 10:49 AM
Awesome, Ken. I don't know which toy is the best of the bunch. Loved reading about Voodoo Doll Offit, the child-sized revolving door, the bendable bloggers, and especially the whole Barbie team required to help Barbie recover. Oh, and Denialist Pharma Shill Barbie, sounds like a hit, too.
May I recommend a special outfit for Autism Barbie? How about a tight turtleneck top complete with sharp, pointy tags at the back of the neck, with jeans made of especially rough and lumpy material (like burlap) so Barbie can become especially irritated and cry out when the clothes are put on her body? That would be super duper cool! I will be sharing your creative post with many others. Thank you for writing this piece.
Posted by: Not an MD | May 01, 2012 at 09:19 AM
You must have had as much fun writing this as I had reading it. A great way to start the day.
Barbie's Grandma Doll-it comes equipped with a hearing aide that's easy to turn on and off, 4 wigs, a dvd player that rewinds movies every 3 seconds, and a complete body shield made of 100% steel. Thanks.
Posted by: maurine meleck | May 01, 2012 at 08:32 AM
Keeper!
Posted by: Andrea | May 01, 2012 at 08:02 AM
OMG love this! Thank you Ken!!!
Posted by: Natasa | May 01, 2012 at 07:45 AM