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New Vaccine Approaches Clinical Trial Phase: NoThinx Sure to be Blockbuster!

NoThinx By Donna Laken
 
In an effort to combat the public's growing fear of vaccines, researchers at the East coast-based pharmaceutical company, SafeAsfar Azyouno, are in the final stages of developing a new vaccine against critical thinking. The vaccine inventors predict that their new product, NoThinx, should be available by mid-October. Says chief marketing officer David Klein, "We are really excited about the prospects of NoThinx. We believe this vaccine will once and for all put a stop to any questioning of vaccine safety."

The NoThinx vaccine is a recombinant subunit vaccine that targets the prefrontal cortex, that area of the brain responsible for problem-solving, reasoning, and critical thinking. The vaccine is designed to disrupt this area of the brain in order to make higher reasoning impossible. The company's top scientist, Dr. Jon Brinkley, sums up the vaccine's intended effects by saying, "Without going into too much detail, let's just say it takes that area of the brain and obliterates it. Just wipes it out completely. It's pretty amazing."

What does the vaccine's success ultimately spell for pediatricians and immunization programs? Well, with no ability to make decisions based upon gathered information, and no ability or desire to analyze available scientific data, parents would simply comply with physician recommendations, no questions asked. The type of reasoning that would currently lead a parent to question the safety of injecting known neurotoxins into their infant, or of injecting into a child substances that have been proven to induce oxidative stress and severe brain inflammation, well, as Brinkley puts it, "We could do away with this type of questioning forever."

In recent years, healthcare providers have expressed continuing frustration with the ever-increasing number of parents who have genuine concerns about vaccine safety, and who are often reluctant to subject their infants to the growing list of government-recommended vaccines. Retired Pittsburgh pediatrician Dr. Henry Anderson explains his viewpoint on the issue of parental concern. "Years ago, when I first started my medical practice in the 1960s, the issue of vaccines was never questioned. Mothers brought the kids in, we gave them their shots, and that was the end of it. But you know," he adds quietly, "it was also much less complicated, because back then, children only received a handful of vaccines throughout their entire childhood. Now I have young colleagues who have to give over 30 vaccines from the time an infant is born up until the time the kid goes off to kindergarten."

Dr. Joe Mengella, a West coast pediatrician, further explains, "Back in the 70s and early 80s, many of the children who were unvaccinated or undervaccinated came from lower socioeconomic backgrounds, often from uneducated parents who may have had no access to healthcare. Now today, we have to deal with these parents who are highly educated professionals, many of whom have post graduate degrees, asking questions we simply cannot answer. Why, just the other day I had a mother bring in an infant for a well baby visit, and she brought along several books and a whole stack of articles for me to read, all regarding vaccine safety issues. I simply don't have time to read any of this material, and furthermore, I don't have to. Like most physicians, I rely upon the pharmaceutical companies to provide me with all the necessary information on their products. I attend their presentations and seminars, and I find them to be a sufficient resource for information. And the lunches they provide are delicious", he adds with a chuckle. "I don't need to go looking elsewhere for vaccine information."

NoThinx has already undergone the industry's required two safety trials on laboratory mice, and so far, the results have been very impressive. Brinkley elaborates on the vaccine's effectiveness: "What we found in the laboratory was that instead of the typical behaviors such as investigating the details within their environment and problem-solving their way through the maze, the group of mice who received the NoThinx vaccine actually preferred to sit in a corner and watch Dancing With The Stars. As a scientist, when you see laboratory findings such as these, well let me tell you, it is truly exciting! And this is the type of response we hope to replicate in our forthcoming human clinical trial."

NoThinx developers also observed an unexpected but welcome effect of the vaccine: inoculated subjects were no longer able to formulate causal relationships. For example, the laboratory mice who received NoThinx could no longer make the connection between touching a hot piece of metal and the sensation of being burned. "And if these findings cross over into our human subjects," declares Brinkley, "Well, the implications are staggering." When asked what this effect would mean in relation to vaccine reactions, Brinkley explains, "Well, it's pretty significant. For instance, whereas before NoThinx, say a toddler received the DTaP, Hib, Hep B, and IPV and Hep A at a routine pediatric visit, and in the days and weeks following vaccination, the mother noticed high fevers, seizures, loss of eye contact and coordination, and diminished speech in the child. The mother might begin to think that these issues could have been caused by the vaccines the child received. But with NoThinx, this just simply would not happen. The mother would be incapable of correlating the adverse reactions with the vaccinations." And this, according to New Jersey pediatrician Brian Holmes, would be "a stunning success for physicians, the vaccine industry, and the entire current national vaccine program."

Vaccine adverse events are currently reported in a national database where health professionals as well as parents and vaccine recipients can enter a description of any medical problems that occur after a vaccine is administered. This underutilized database currently contains over two hundred thousand reports of illness, disability, and death associated with each particular vaccine, and can be accessed by anyone, via the Internet. According to Mark Barnes, the CEO at a California-based pharmaceutical company, NoThinx would do away with the need for this reporting system. "Heck, with no ability to correlate cause and effect, nobody would be entering any adverse reactions! What we hope to do is ultimately get rid of the need for this database entirely. This reporting system has been a thorn in the side of the vaccine industry and public health officials for far too long now, and it is high time we abolished it."
 
And who exactly would receive the new NoThinx vaccine? SafeAsfar Azyouno executives and health officials are working together to develop a plan to market this vaccine to today's adolescent population, in order to achieve the desired effects prior to the childbearing years. This way, by the time this population of young adults is ready to have children of their own, they will no longer be capable of questioning vaccine safety for their infants.

The only remaining issue is how to deal with parents who are right now concerned with adverse vaccine reactions, which can include autism and other neurological disorders. Amanda Moss, spokeswoman for a national vaccine marketing program, describes the current approach to dealing with these parents. "What we are working on right now is a concentrated effort with the media to discredit these parents. We believe that if we portray these parents as uneducated religious nuts or as wacky conspiracy theorists, we will somehow invalidate their concerns. But we do realize this approach won't work forever. We're already a little nervous about a recent poll demonstrating that only 52% of Americans are on our side." Moss is hopeful that NoThinx will successfully put an end to any and all parental concerns.

Scientists are also hoping that NoThinx will lead to an increase in revenue for the somewhat hobbled vaccine industry, which has taken a hit recently due to declining vaccine uptake. William Gaitz, CMO of Mucck Pharmaceuticals, expresses his concern over declining vaccine sales. "We're talking about a $24 billion dollar industry here. We have high-paying jobs at stake here, we have shareholders to answer to, and if our products are viewed as dangerous, our bottom line is jeopardized." NoThinx may be just the product to boost future vaccine sales, both in the U.S. and worldwide. "It's about time", says Midwest physician Matthew Potts. "I'm sick and tired of dealing with these parents' pesky questions." For Potts and others like him, the wait won't be long. After NoThinx undergoes one clinical trial on humans, it will be ready to be delivered to doctors offices and clinics nationwide. According to current industry standards, any new vaccine must be tested on 250 human subjects, who are then followed up for 7 days, and then it heads straight to market. For Potts and others like him, that can't happen soon enough.

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Donna Laken is just another overeducated parent of a child with vaccine-induced autism.

Comments

Nayan

Me and my colleagues authored one of India's most extensive reports on clinical trials. Drop me a mail if you are interested in a copy. My email is ntaluk@gmail.com.

Some of the topics we included are:

- Market Trends
- Growth Drivers
- Regulatory Bodies and Framework
- Major Players.
-Etc.
We interviewed over 200 individuals and firms to collect the data in what we believe is one of the most detailed study on the subject in India.

Nayan
ntaluk@gmail.com

Cindy Griffin

A true literary gem!

I'm sharing it thru FB! THANK YOU!!!!

Twyla

hahaha! Very funny and all too close to reality! I like the pharma company names -- SafeAsfar Azyouno and Mucck!

Good point, Michael Framson, they must be giving this to most journalists already! That explains a lot!

GreenYourLife

Not amused whatsoever!!! :(

AmyII

Duh, Virginia, the military come right after the mice.

mike

For a minute I thought I was reading an article from"the Onion". Awesomely done! I only wish the author had found a way to add a quote from the pro-vaccine camp that assures us there's no science to provide any evidence of a link between shots and anything bad at all, ever. And also that all moms who question vaccine safety formerly posed for Playboy!.

Dixiediva

Are they really sure it's the NoThinx giving these results?

Remember, correlation does not equal causation!

Diane W Farr

Donna, hope you had as much fun writing as I will sharing. Brilliant!

Rachel

I think they have been working on something like this for years!

cmo

Another Vaccine Dream

...Coming soon, a cocaine vaccine for children, probably mixed in with the Hep B vaccine...

http://pagingdrgupta.blogs.cnn.com/2011/01/05/anti-cocaine-vaccine-shows-promise-in-mice/

...Dr. Crystal believes that the cocaine vaccine will be ready for testing in humans in about two years. He explained that further testing still needs to be done in mice, rats and monkeys to make sure the vaccine is safe.

And he acknowledges: “This looks terrific but humans are not big mice.”


michael framson

I think this vaccine really has been mandatory for the media for quite some time. How else can you explain the lack of critical thinking?

Angie

Ohhh I need this now! I've been in a sick panic that as I have been holding my new infant, I'd pass on my logic and intelligence to him as well (cough cough)

I'm really busy though, will this be available at the Drive thru clinic at Walgreens?

Jen

Duh, Dugmaze, per normal protocol the insert will say one thing and it really won't matter anyways. I wonder if it would help with menopause.

Virginia

Will it be mass injected into our miliary personel?

K

obviously its already been tested on doctors

Kristina

That was very entertaining, and a little scary how close to reality it is.

dugmaze

Is it safe for pregnant women?

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