By Katie Wright
After reading the inane interview with Amanda Peet (who referred to parents who veer from the vaccination schedule as "parasites" in Cookie Magazine earlier this year) in this month’s “Self” magazine, I was compelled to satirize the piece in order to better reflect the full scope of Peet’s absurd and pompous proclamations about autism and vaccine safety.
Hmmm…. I am not a doctor, but I know one at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. I am not the parent of a child with autism but I know all about what causes it and what doesn’t. I am not the parent of a child with a life threatening infectious disease but I have read about how prevalent this problem is in the THIRD WORLD.
After hearing many scary stories about the prevalence of infectious diseases in the Third World I have decided to aggressively make the case for all American babies to be injected with 38 vaccines (healthy, unhealthy, premature- whatever!) by age 2. I have “done my research” and “know the facts!” Sure I am the parent of one healthy, non special needs toddler but I am the expert here to tell all parents of autistic kids I know best.
Some parents of autistic kids “say” they saw their kids regress, losing words, skills and their health after multiple vaccinations but I know better! These parents “haven’t done their research” because I know multiple vaccinations are 100% safe! Those parents should be grateful their child does not have the measles! Did I tell you Paul Offit, multimillionaire, vaccine patent maker, is my mentor?
Dr. Offit and I firmly believe that there is no risk whatsoever to injecting babies with an unlimited number multiple vaccines. Immune system, shummune system! In fact Paul and I are initiating a new campaign for the company I represent. Sure, this organization is 90% funded by vaccine makers but we have no bias, I promise! Our new slogan is based on Dr. Offit’s proclamation that a baby could be vaccinated 100,000 times in one day. We are calling it: “Every Child 100,000 Vaccines by 2!” How is that for a time saver! Great, right?
Sure Offit and I are not clinicians. Offit and I never treated autistic children. Nor is either one of us the parent of an autistic child. But we know better than all those sad parents “looking for something to blame!” The fact that Offit holds the patents for many of the vaccines he has shoehorned into the immunization schedule is not a conflict of interest!
Just a coincidence, like all those febrile seizures occurring right after multiple vaccines- a crazy coincidence!
Anyone who dares to question the sanctity of vaccines is a big troublemaker! I don’t have the answers to all those pesky scientific questions (damn those annoying TV reporters and their complicated questions!). That’s why I sometimes say don’t take medical advice from me, I’m just an actress. But wait, scratch that! Yes, do take medical advice from me, you must get your infant fully vaccinated and on schedule or you are a really selfish and irresponsible parent. Forget about all those parents asking why doctors give newborns a vaccine for a sexually transmitted disease that 99.9999999% of them do not need. Those questioning asking parents are just crazies looking for “conspiracies” that do not exist! We don’t owe them any answers!
All those autism parents with their sick and suffering kids live in a “rarified universe.” Yuck! I wouldn’t want to go there! How dare these parents not vaccinate their younger children! Don’t they know I disapprove?
In this evil “rarified universe” families are advocating for safer vaccines, a saner schedule and a more transparent vaccine safety testing process. How dare they! “Every Child 100,000 Vaccines by 2” must put a stop to all this question asking and calls for government accountability! Offit and his friends at the CDC should be able to do whatever they want and should not have to answer to anyone, least of all the public. Don’t people understand that only vaccine makers know “The Science” and how to care for your child better than you do?
So I hope all you parents reading this have learned something:
#1 Trust vaccine makers, not yourself
#2 Ignore your instincts and don’t ask questions
#3 Vaccinate your baby as if you live in Sub-Saharan Africa
#4 Think of all those pesky trips to the doctor’s office you will avoid by getting your baby all its vaccines on one day. Now that’s progress!
Remember our new slogan: “Every Child 100,000 vaccines by Age 2!”
Katie Wright has two young boys. Her oldest son, Christian, is severely affected by autism. He developed normally; smiling, talking, walking; only to lose every skill and every word by the age of 2 and a half. Upon the advice of medical professionals Katie and her husband were advised to pursue only high quality behavioral therapy, speech and OT for Christian. It had no meaningful impact on Christian until his parents sought help from DAN! doctors who treated the underlying causes of Christian's descent into autism. Christian has improved but still has far to go. He has Inflammatory Bowel Disease, the measles virus in his gut and an immune system akin to a late stage AIDS patient. Christian does not have a psychiatric disorder. Before autism, Katie Wright was the Clinical Director of Sexual Assault Crisis Center in Stamford Connecticut. Katie is proud to serve on the Boards of NAA and SafeMinds.