INTRODUCING DIEOXX
By Dan Olmsted
DIEOXX – script for 60 second spot by Smirk & Co.
(Key piano music, languid, soft and sad. It should sound like George Winston without inviting copyright infringement suits. Our in-house counsel are busy enough already.
Cue worried-looking person of indeterminate boomer age, looking directly at camera. Pan to pitiful neglected dog in corner.)
You know something isn't right. You just don't know what it is.
Now there's Dieoxx. For those times when you know you're just not right.
Being "not right" is now a recognized medical condition. In the past, you may have ignored the subtle signs or said, I'll get some sleep, tomorrow is another day. But new studies by our recognized experts (see ad in Obscuritantus Deliberacia magazine) suggest unrightness has underlying chemical triggers that could respond to a treatment plan suggested by your doctor that includes Dieoxx.
Dieoxx is not for everyone. If you have been born, had an allergic reaction to minute quantities of plutonium or an inappropriate response to a life event (as identified during discovery by our well-practiced in-house attorneys), do not take Dieoxx.
Tell your doctor if you fall down dead after taking Dieoxx. The information will be used in a post-marketing clinical trial of Dieoxx and fatal adverse events. Do not take Dieoxx if you have more than one teaspoon of alcohol per year, use toothpaste that comes out of a tube or are litigious by nature. Place your seatback in an upright locked position, and take Dieoxx yourself before giving it to your child.
(Raise volume of music to drown-out levels.) Other options, including doing nothing, getting over your self-pitying self and volunteering at a soup kitchen, or taking some other drug that has been on the market a long time and has a proven safety record, could work just as well. People who do not live in New Zealand and the U.S., the only nations that allow direct-to-consumer TV ads by drug companies, are at least as healthy.
(Close-up on our Increasingly Cheerful Boomer Person Taking Dieoxx and Petting Grateful Dog.)
So ask your doctor if Dieoxx is right for you. Do not take no for an answer. Ask for free samples -- he or she has a closet full. Ask about their trip to Hawaii and the brief, very brief, seminar on Dieoxx sandwiched between the Hula Brunch and the You Look Better By Moonlight Midnight Cruise.
(Cue swelling music, now in a major key and backed by Mixed Chorus in full throat.)
Dieoxx. Right for you when you're just not right.
Dan Olmsted is Editor of Age of Autism.
This happy pill gives me the giggles.
https://www.fukitol.com/index.php
When life just blows, Fukitol.
Posted by: Judy | January 03, 2008 at 03:03 PM
This article gave me my first belly laugh of the new year. I need to look up the "spoof blog" and send it there. But, on second thought, I wonder how many people outside the autism community would "get it". Thanks, Dan, I loved it!
Posted by: Donna Rode | January 02, 2008 at 11:07 AM
Yes! A pill to make you think autism is beautiful and a better way of being. To make you love watching your kid bang his head on the wall and wet his pants. A tonic so you like watching your 15 year old watch Barney. A lotion to make the group home look like college. Hurry up Smirk. We're waiting.
Posted by: The Oy of Autism | January 01, 2008 at 05:50 PM
I've been "not right" since I found out the truth about vaccines. I've been pondering why the drug industry hasn't marketed a drug that relieves parents of anguish and helps them relax and ignore all those little inconveniences of having a child with full blown autism?
p.s. My son wants to have butterflies in his room like that guy on TV. After all, those butterflies make you sleep!! He's convinced if we got butterflies in his room he would have better sleep, just like that guy on TV....but even more- that people are not supposed to sleep UNLESS they have butterflies in their room. (I put a butterfly on the bottle of melatonin- worked for me!)
Posted by: butterflies make you sleep | January 01, 2008 at 05:16 PM
My 6 year old son with PDD-NOS sometimes asks for the happy pills he sees on TV. The other day his friend with ASD was having meltdown and he told his mom she should give him the happy pills from the TV. Scary.
Posted by: Heather O | January 01, 2008 at 02:47 PM