Love and Autism

By Kim Stagliano

There's (a love) life beyond little boxes of Valentines and a sack full of red dye laden candy arriving from school with a child today. Many of our kids are growing into teens and adults. Some are already there. And that means teen and adult topics. Two of my girls are teenagers. One of them is very vocal about her crush on Taylor Lautner. We celebrated his 20th birthday on Saturday. (I felt fossilized!)   If you've read my memoir, you know G likes to carry transitional items. The manatee turned into a book of emotions, which was replaced by a family photo including a cute older cousin, who was kicked to the curb by a cute 7th grade boy in her yearbook and then an 8th grade boy in the next year book and now? TAY-LOR. It's natural.   See the photo? That's the US Weekly magazine Gianna now carries. (I bought 8 more copies last week.) And you can see a bottle of Love's Baby Soft perfume - remember that from your own girlhood? We had sleep issues a few weeks ago - serious ones - and a Taylor Lautner iron-on transfer onto a white pillow case assuaged her fears. You gotta be creative right? But you also see on her pillow Spot the dog, from the children's stories. We're a mix of teen and toddler in some ways. The girls still love Sesame Street (and so do I) for instance.  Such are the differences of growing up with autism.



We have a lot of work ahead of us clearing tall trees in virgin (pardon the pun) territory regarding adult life, socialization, human emotions and yes, maybe even sex.  I'd like my children to grow into women who can experience the joy of a full human relationship.  Should I simply assume they are not worthy or capable of that even while they are young and make my life easier by never having to think about it again? I don't think so.  Although it's sure tough to think and write about, I promise you.

Our friend Chantal Sicile-Kira and her son Jeremy are publishing a book called A Full Life with Autism that will help families and caregivers delve into these pressing issues. We'll have a copy for you later this Spring.

Each week I see a 23 year old man with autism who is quite verbal at speech therapy. One day he reached out to touch a female in the waiting room. His Dad leapt up, alert. He spoke to his son. I heard the young man say to his Dad, "But I want a girlfriend."  His Dad immediately launched into how to speak to a woman and how NEVER to touch her - even in friendship.  That father did a great job of respecting his son's desires while trying mightily to protect his son from acting in a way that could go downhilll FAST. 

While the so called experts dither about diagnosis definitions, and as we approach the silly season of April's branded blue awareness- our kids are growing up. The birds and bees are aging out of the nests and the hives. What next?

Let's talk - baby.

Kim Stagliano is Managing Editor of Age of Autism. Her new novel,  House of Cards; A Kat Cavicchio romantic suspense is available from Amazon in all e-formats now. Once purchased, you can lend the book to a friend using the new Amazon lending program. And you can download to lots of devices - iPhone, computer, Blackberry, Droid and more.Her memoir, All I Can Handle I'm No Mother Teresa is available in hardcover, paperback and e-book.

 

Comments

[Maurine Meleck]

Kim, this is so spot on(no punintended. I try to understand the dichotomy with Joshua every day. He keeps asking when he can take the written test for a driver's license(he is 14 now) and then asks for one of those little kiddie motorized cars.(which he will definitely be safer in). He plays on soccer and baseball teams with totally NT kids(and except for the few times he sits down in the field and plays with the sand) he does very well. He's teaching himself to ice skate and is turning into a terrific horseman. He loves Josh and Drake on tv, but will often watch Sesame Street on the computer. Last week he went by himself to his first school dance and stayed 2 hours. He said afterward that he'd like to have a girlfriend and asked how he gets one. He is very verbal and can carry on full grown-up conversations, but he also has terrible echolalia.
He can be very happy, but he is often sad and depressed because he says, " I'm stupid and I hatte myself." It breaks my heart.
Maurine

[Benedetta]

This is too difficult a subject. I think I will just go crawl into a book and not think on it. It is now all out of my hands.

[Pati]

I too have a daughter with autism and my biggest fear is that she will end up alone. She would rather stay home and work on a puzzle than go to homecoming or the prom. I hate to see my daughter miss out just because she has autism, so I continue to encourage my daughter to attend school events and with the help of http://onlineceucredit.com/edu/social-work-ceus-pcs I can help her improve her social skills as well.

[Jenny Allan]

“Love is a great thing, yea, a great and thorough good.
By itself it makes that which is heavy light;
and it bears evenly all that is uneven.
It carries a burden which is no burden;
it will not be kept back by anything low and mean;
It desires to be free from all wordly affections,
and not to be entangled by any outward prosperity,
or by any adversity subdued.
Love feels no burden, thinks nothing of trouble,
attempts what is above its strength,
pleads no excuse of impossibility.
It is therefore able to undertake all things,
and it completes many things and warrants them to take effect,
where he who does not love would faint and lie down.
Though weary, it is not tired;
though pressed it is not straightened;
though alarmed, it is not confounded;
but as a living flame it forces itself upwards and securely passes through all.
Love is active and sincere, courageous, patient, faithful, prudent, and manly.”
― Thomas a Kempis
Thomas à Kempis (c. 1380 – 25 July 1471) was a late Medieval Catholic monk

[Sarah]

My son's teacher sent home a class picture of the kids having a Thanksgiving party. My son is wearing a headdress and the little girl standing next to him is dressed as a pilgrim woman. They are holding hands and both have big smiles on their faces. Just beaming with joy. I like that image and try to keep it in my head.

My son is only 8 so I tend to push thoughts that cause me angst out my head. One is future dating. I fantasize that one day some girl will overlook his impairments and see what a sweetheart he is. I try not to worry about rejection or some NT parent looking down their nose at my son but that worry is there. Our kids deserve joy and love and having a disability does not mean they are not worthy.

[Mark Stone]

Wonderful post. I struggle with these questions about love pretty much everyday, especially the one "will my daughter ever find love". It can bring me to tears on some days but in the end I know my job is to continue to help her grow in her socialization skills to give her the best chance to find that love. She starts "college" next year, a wonderful new organization called nonPareil (http://www.npitx.org) where besides giving her a shot at developing skills that can lead to a job that is in demand it also puts her in a group of adults who are themselves finding their way socially. This environment will allow her to continue learning to love. What more can a Dad ask for?

[Lokasmasta]

Yes we feel love!