I am SpongeBob, destroyer of evil. A small barnacle known as the American Academy of Pediatrics is holding me responsible for the impaired thinking of four-year-olds, due to the “fast pace” of my show. AAP, don’t you have somewhere else to be stupid? My show is for mature audiences – ages six to eleven. You shouldn’t be exposing 4-year-olds to a violent flounder or to advanced vocabulary like “enigma” and “uvula.”
What the halibut is going on? You say we’re too fast-paced, but compare the average SpongeBob Squarepants episode to Roadrunner, Woody Woodpecker, Tom and Jerry, and other cartoons from decades ago. Those are not slow-paced shows. Something else must be causing children’s brains to not be functioning properly, Mr. and Mrs. AAP.
Hmm….what has changed drastically that can “significantly impair” children’s brains? According to my friend Plankton who went to college, the AAP says the 33 doses of 10 vaccines now given to infants and children are safe. But how can you believe the AAP? My fancy-pants colleagues at Nickelodeon said the AAP’s research methodology surrounding the alleged health hazards of my TV show is “questionable” and “could not possibly provide the basis for any valid findings that parents could trust."
Ouch! Maybe Nickelodeon executives should be researching vaccines and AAP executives should be directing cartoons. What?? They already are? Sid the Science Kid is selling flu vaccines to children? Oh tartar sauce! Educational television is worse than I thought. Hey kids! Don’t worry about the 25 mcgs of mercury the AAP is injecting into your bloodstream. Mercury is only the second most toxic element on the planet. Plutonium is even more toxic, and the AAP is not injecting you with plutonium. Yet. Bahahahaha!
I think the AAP is jealous of me cause I’m a much better role model than they are. I always dress neatly, wear a tie and I never accept bribes from pharmaceutical companies.
I don’t usually mention my competition, but CBS News said the American Academy of Pediatrics gets major donations from pharmaceutical companies. So who are you going to trust? The AAP who receives major “donations” from vaccine companies who cannot be sued if a “safe” vaccine messes up a kid’s brain, and the kid’s AAP pediatrician cannot be sued either? Or me, SpongeBob Squarepants!
Are you going to believe the AAP who says vaccines are safe even though the effect of all of them on a kid’s brain has never ever been studied and the U.S. government has paid out $2 billion due to brain damage caused by “safe” vaccines? Or SpongeBob Squarepants!
I rest my case. Please join me in a jellyfish jelly sandwich.
SpongeBob Squarepants is employee of the month at The Krusty Krab.